TheLittleSongbird
There are far worse movies out there and there have been worse that featured on MST3K. However, that is saying nothing in Girl in Gold Boots' favour, because it is still a terrible movie made funnier by the gem that is MST3K's review. Girl in Gold Boots looks cheap, with some of the worst editing of any movie I've come across(certainly down there with the likes of Space Mutiny). The music is repetitive and annoying, and the dancing wasn't even dancing and just looked so awkward, even The Wild World of Batwoman and Incredibly Strange Creatures... had more believable dancing and that is not a compliment by any stretch of the imagination. The dialogue was as thin as the tiniest bit of paper, it was also hilariously clunky that you even couldn't make sense of what you were hearing. The story is basically two very padded-out halves rolled into one, and also two halves that never gel together or work on their own, it is also tediously paced and the ending was a cop-out in the way that you could tell that ideas were running out. There is nothing engaging about the characters, they are essentially mannequin-like bookends that do very little. And the acting is some of the absolute worst of any movie from the 60s. Overall, Girl in Gold Boots is as far away from golden as you could possibly go, complete blank is more like it. Not as bad as Monster A-Go Go or Manos but still terrible in every possible way. 1/10 Bethany Cox
Greg Eichelberger
Film, a Ted Mikels Production, "stars" Jody Daniel as "Critter," a long-winded draft-dodger (sort of like Bill Clinton), who teams up with a slutty dullard of a waitress, Michelle (Leslie McRae), and dime store thug, Buz (Tom Page), on a trek to an L.A. strip club, The Haunted House. "The Incredible Journey" this ain't. Opening title song, performed by Chris Howard & The Third World, is as inane as "Never Steal Anything Wet" by Mary Wells (which opened "Catalina Caper") and "Ha-So Stratosphere Boogie" by Jimmy Bryant & His Night Jumpers (which introduced "Skydivers") and, to make things worse, they play it about 10 times throughout the movie! Other songs, including "Wheels Of Love," "Everything I Touch," "For You," "Do You Want To Laugh Or Cry," "Hello Michelle," "One Good Time, One Place," "Lonesome Man," "Cowboy Santa," and "Strange Things," make this one of the worst musical soundtracks since "Incredibly Strange Creatures......," "Newsies," "Grease 2," and the remake of "Lost Horizon." Buz, the poor man's Regis Philbin (who, himself, is the poor man's Joey Bishop) first meets Michelle gyrating awkwardly to a jukebox in a run-down greasy spoon, and claims she should dance professionally, even though she has no talent, whatsoever. And, since his sister, Joan (Bara Byrnes) is the "number one attraction in Los Angeles," she decides to leave her abusive, drunken father and go with him. Along the way, they meet up a couple of wimp bikers, pick up the hitch-hiking "Critter," frolic with a guy in his goofy beach buggy, and rob a mom and pop store. Of course, the two guys get into a fight over Michelle, who, with her huge face, stringy hair and caked-on eye make-up, is slightly less feminine than Harvey Firestein in "Torch Song Trilogy." And her acting makes one yearn for the professionalism of ANY of the women in "Pin Down Girls," "Charlie's Angel's: Full Throttle." They finally arrive at the club, which, evidently, actually existed (complete with a huge mouth for a stage with nostrils that randomly spews steam for some reason) in a time when good taste and a pleasant atmosphere obviously were not very important to patrons. Once there, Michelle, despite her aforementioned lack of talent, rhythm, looks, brains, coordination, athleticism, or charisma, is hired immediately, and soon vaults passed the pill-popping Joan, while Critter and Buz get rewarding positions as a janitor and a drug pusher, respectively. The club's owner, Leo McCabe (Mark Herron), comes from the Carlo Lombardi-Great Vorelli sleaze school, with a henchman (Marty-William Bagdad) that looks like Ortega's (from "Incredibly Strange Creatures") cousin. And, in the tradition of past washed-up pop stars who've appeared in B-movies (see Little Richard, the Cascades, Platters, Mel Torme, and Paul Anka, among others), Preston Epps, who had a #14 hit with "Bongo Rock" in 1959, makes an embarrassing cameo during the party scene. In that particular sequence, Michelle's complete lack of dancing skills are never more evident as she drunkenly sways about the room in most humiliating fashion. Later, as tough and athletic as Buz is supposed to be, he's easily chased down by a pudgy, middle-aged, bald jail trustee (Harry Blatz played by Harry Lovejoy), who looks like a cross between Victor Buono and Dabney Coleman. Anyway, to make a long review even longer, Buz, in a fit of stupidity, kills Harry, but he, Leo and Marty are subdued by the pacifist Critter, who, seeing the error in his peace-loving ways and joins the Army, just in time to be shipped of to Indo-China. A profoundly bad counterculture movie that makes itself worse by actual selling out in the end. for all his rebellious talk and swagger, Critter thinks it's best to and fight for Uncle Sam. I weep for the soul.
