Phil Hubbs Back before Johnny Depp revolutionised the pirate movie with his camp ways there were the odd rum fuelled flicks such as this. Roman Polanski doing what he does best which is creating lavish productions that tend to not be overly successful at first but gain cult status.The story is naturally a typically salty one involving Walter Matthau's 'Captain Red' and his young French sidekick trying to pinch a golden throne from some fancy pant Spaniards. At the same time there is of course a love interest for the young dashing French sailor, mutinies, plenty of galleon boarding from both sides and lots of skullduggery on land and at sea. I think this film is very similar to 'The Fearless Vampire Killers' in the fact that its actually kinda dull but looks beautiful. All the pirates, especially Matthau, look as they should do, covered in dirty rag-like attire, greasy facial hair, deep tans, golden teeth...every bit the stereotypical swashbuckling sea dog. I was quite intrigued with the wooden leg Matthau's Captain has, it really looks like he has a real wooden peg leg! and this is before CGI folks, impressed. On the flip side the Spanish look perfectly rich, aristocratic, pompous, snooty and dignified in their very impressive duds. The wigs sell the whole look if you ask me, really authentic looking.I was also very impressed with Matthau's cockney English accent. He genuinely does a sterling job with it and comes across not American that's for sure. At the same time Damien Thomas as the preening perfume smelling 'Don Alfonso' is by far the stand out performance. You can truly see the disgust and contempt in his face for the wretched pirate scum, I really enjoyed his peacock-like display of regal superiority.All the characters and extras look great and are accompanied by some luscious tropical locations and some nice olde worlde period ports (real locations). Did I mention the ship yet? no? well lemme tell you, it looks awesome. Fully realised to scale with a working motor so it can sail, completely detailed from top to bottom with everything you'd expect to see on a 17th Century Spanish vessel.Yep its all visually stunning with good performances but unfortunately that's about it. There is very little of interest going on plot wise, the film is way too long and there isn't that much swashbuckling going on surprisingly. This isn't a silly fantasy flick nor is it a historically accurate flick, but it does bring a more down to earth approach to the genre. There isn't much flamboyant heroics here ladies and gentlemen, more like backstabbing with every man for himself, more genuine. No way is it as bad as suggested and I'm not sure why it didn't do better at the cinema, its a solid romp. Think along the lines of Richard Lester's Three Musketeer movies but with less comedy.6/10

MisterWhiplash This is one of the oddities in the career of Roman Polanski. It was a project he wanted to do for years, tried to get funding with different actors, and finally settled on Walter Matthau as Captain Red and (relatively unknown) Cris Campion as his bumbling long-time sidekick Frog. It's a very weird movie in a respect, which is that Polanski puts his own print on what is a big-old swashbuckler. It owes itself in spirit to the Errol Flynn pictures and other on-the-sea programmers of the 30s and 40s, and surely plot is sometimes crazy and convoluted enough to fit the bill... but somehow Polanski makes it work for himself, if not as one of his best. It's sometimes as dark in tone as Cul-de-sac, and other times almost as light as Oliver Twist, but it's also its own kind of movie bird, anchored by an uncharacteristically over-the-top Walter Matthau performance, some good stuffy co-stars like Damien Thomas and Ferdy Mayne, and there's a lot of action to go around the place as well.From its opening scene on (which is, actually, a really amazing opening scene) to the final one which sort of wraps everything around, Polanski tools around with the conventions while trying to please himself, so to speak, with the formula. I wouldn't say it would be really great for those hungry for more after the 'Caribean' movies (frankly, it lacks a Jack Sparrow in its midst), but it should appeal those who want a strange brew of art-house adventure. 7.5/10

sol- One can easily see that Roman Polanski was trying to ride on the success of his early comedy 'The Fearless Vampire Killers!' when making this film. The protagonists and love interests in both films are nearly identical, however in 'Pirates', the cast and crew do not manage to do nearly as good as a job. To be fair, some of the crew give good contributions, such as the costumes by Anthony Powell, and Philippe Sarde's great music score, however these points barely atone at all for the overall picture. It is more often stupid than it is funny, with the same old jokes recycled during the film - the shark pun fails particularly poorly. It is mostly just a mixture of being absurd and revolting, with little in the way of a story, and towards the end it is just messy. It could be argued that Matthau gives it his all - perhaps he does - but the results are not too great. There is enough in this film to save it from being an utter disaster, but still, it is not a very good film.

ephraimwaite This enjoyably foolish romp was apparently a flop, and mauled by the critics. Why? Good question. I speculate three reasons: lack of an obviously American lead and presence, an opening set-up that pays off in the long run but doesn't provide a beginning with a bang, and an anarchic, politically incorrect, almost amoral tone that was not digestible to Disneyfied mainstream audiences. These, and the length of the piece, would have been strengths if this had been released as a children's book, and I further speculate that it would have been well received in such a format, as a homage to old stories like Treasure Island. It could then have been adapted into a hit movie (with more explosions and an ethically impeccable American hero who does get the girl in the end).As it is, there is much to admire, delight and entertain, with legitimate criticisms being some of the dodgy casting and (lack of)linguistics (especially as regards the Spanish characters) - Walther Matthau's gloriously over-the-top performance honourably excepted - some lapses of logic in the plot (why doesn't the Frog just swim after the rowboat and bring it back when they get stuck on the chain?), and the fact that it is slightly too long.Ripe for a sequel, if, like me, you ever wondered what happened to Cap'n Red and his beloved throne, and The Frog and his beloved Dolores.