Woodyanders This astoundingly abysmal piece of unmitigated schlock rates highly as one of the single most sublimely stupid and sidesplitting kitsch hoots I've had the pleasure to watch in quite a while. An evil drug lord uses a bunch of rot-faced hopping vampires to retain his power. Narcotics agent Tom Wilde gets shot and killed in the line of duty. He's brought back to life as a lethal and unstoppable cyborg who looks like he's been wrapped from head to toe in bright shiny tin foil. Meanwhile a macho meathead mercenary guy battles dope dealers in the jungle who have abducted a beautiful blonde babe agent. Boy, does this jaw-dropping dreadful doozy possess all the correct so-utterly-wrong-that-they're-paradoxically-right stuff to qualify as a real four-star stinkeroonie: fumbling (mis)direction, priceless dopey dialogue (favorite line: "Kill the priest, quick!"), ineptly staged shoot-outs, hilariously horrible dubbing, plentiful gut-busting over-the-top chopysocky fight scenes, broadly drawn characters, horrendously hammy acting, a silly romantic subplot involving the head vampire guy who can fire sparks from his fingertips and a sexy ghost girl wearing a semi-transparent gown (said sexy ghost girl is obviously doubled by a man during her more strenuous fight scenes!), a generic hum'n'shiver synthesizer score, outrageously gruesome, yet tacky gore, a rambling and barely coherent narrative (this flick is clearly two separate movies which have been sloppily edited together), a nonstop frantic pace, and a seriously messed-up story that clumsily combines elements of horror, action, martial arts, crime thriller and even comedy into a spectacularly ungodly brew. An undeniably awful, but often uproarious and always immensely entertaining serving of infectiously inane celluloid lunacy.

Hanichi It wasn't until the end of this film that I realized it was essentially two movies, both of which on their own could have qualified as pure tripe. One is the the robot vs. vampire story that the title suggests. The other is a more straightforward good guys vs. drug gang movie. Although I have only seen the movie once, I believe you will find that the characters from the one plot line NEVER appear in the exact same shot with the characters from the other plot line. It really is two movies, edited together.This movie is an absolute riot. I highly recommend it. The first time I saw the robot, I laughed so hard a friend had to pause the film to let me recover. The hopping vampires...oh my, they are perhaps the silliest things to appear in film since the 1950's. The whole thing makes Dr. Who look like it was done by ILM.For those connoisseurs of bad movies, please get this film. You will not regret it.

Soylent Blue With a budget of 2.5 million dollars and the talents of that master thespian Denis Lawson (aka Wedge "Look At The Size Of That Thing" Antilles from the original Star Wars Trilogy), you might think that a ground-breaking independent film on the subjects of robot/vampire conflicts and the Japanese drug trade could be created. I wouldn't, but you might.The acting, what there was of it, was terrible. The same goes for the writing. One unintentionally funny line occurs when "Some Guy" sneaks up on his skinny-dipping girlfriend. She sees him and covers herself. He responds with a line like: "It's a beautiful view. You should bathe more often".As pure cinematic cheese , this movie has it all: badly acted death scenes, rampant explosions and blood, horrible special effects and costumes, crazy edits, obvious stunt doubles, jumping Japanese vampires and of course, a naked ghost.Death scenes: After a man is shot, he collapses, then he looks off-camera at the unfortunate director of this movie for direction, and collapses again. Is he dead? Maybe after the end credits he'll look around again before exploding. In another scene, a hero character fires ONCE at a line of enemies and two men, from opposite ends of the line mind you, drop dead.Explosions: BOOM! BOOM! BANG! BANG! You can't even guess when one will happen and after 10 minutes, you won't care.Blood: The movie is about vampires, so each scene is like the elevator scene from The ShiningFX/Costumes: Smoke everywhere and the head vampire shoots bottle rockets, or something from his arms. The Robo character is a resembles a baked potato in all that tin foil. The Head vampire wears a gorilla mask, and not a good one at that.Crazy Edits: I'll let you pick them out.During fights featuring the ghost girl, the actress playing her is replaced by a shorter and thinner girl with different hair.Maybe in Japan vampires who jump around are frightening, but I found them hilarious. I'm not sure why putting flypaper on their faces puts them sleep either.Naked ghost:Self-explanatory.Don't expect "Traffic" meets "Robocop" meets "Dracula" because what you'll get is "Up In Smoke" meets "Short Circuit" meets "Blacula". I gave this movie a 1 because as an action film, it was truly awful. As a comedy, i'd give it a 10 even if the humour is unintentional. If you like cheesy movies, as I do, go out and rent (I bet you could buy it cheaper though) "Robo-Vampire".If You Dare...

Mr. Sparkle Being a fan of "B" movies, I've seen my share of enjoyable bad movies. Movies such as "Manos" the Hands of Fate, or Chopper Chicks in Zombie Town, so I thought I was ready for anything. I was very wrong!!!!I don't have to be careful about spoiling the plot, because there wasn't one. Honestly!!! This movie gives you a behind the sceenes look at the movie business. How the studios are at war with each other. How they fight over the rights for movies. How they summon demons and vampires to kill the competition. YES, you read right there.One of the most off the wall movies I've seen. Just when you think you've got the plot, they completely change it on you, and make it a new movie. Jumping vampires with paper teeth, Freddy Kruger lookalike demons, Captian Power. I was waiting for Martha Stewart to pop out.Overall I'd say this movie ISN'T for the weak of heart, head or stomache. I'd rather watch a Swartzinegger movie.