Michael
Shark Exorcist is by far one of the most baffling "movies" I've ever seen. In terms of film making, editing, and technical work, this is probably the laziest film I've ever seen. It is completely laughable how little effort there is in the movie for the effects, which basically amounts to some ketchup, a fake knife, a nun costume that was probably bought from a bargain bin, Photoshop, a free audio library, and stock effects that were probably taken from some workshop, and coloured a different way so you would never know the difference, but again looks completely awful. The same goes for the camera work, which is probably the most distractedly lazy I've seen (besides The Amazing Bulk). There is one half-decent shot in the movie (where the priest is exiting the church: the movie is so forgettable that I can't even remember half of it, so I don't remember what time it was at, what the reason was, etc.), but the rest is hand-held shaky cam that half the time isn't trying to be shaky cam, but trying to be still, but they were so cheap during filming that they couldn't invest in a f***ing tripod, or even try to rest it on a table, or a barrel, or anything. Instead, it just looks like the camera man is having a f***ing seizure the whole time. The camera is filmed in a way similar to my s****y skit videos on YouTube where me and my cousins d**k around, say random s**t that means nothing, and generally just be idiots throughout, and while there is no excuse for s****y filming, it's one thing to use an iPad to film idiocy on the internet, it's another thing to make an actual movie that you can find and buy with money that can honestly be spent much better. When someone can say that they've filmed better movies or videos over the course of an afternoon with their cousins that they put no thought into, that is when you've failed as a filmmaker. In fact, it's amazing how similar they are to my videos. The difference is that we had comedy in mind, and we had fun making these stupid videos on that clearly shows throughout, and we aren't hurting anyone's wallet. This just feels like a group of friends got really s***faced at a party, and one of them had a camera and said, "Hey, let's make a movie," and they only went along with it because he gave them each $20 and they were drunk, and the guy with the camera wanted to make a movie with a bunch of bikini girls because reasons. The story is that there is no story. It starts with a random girl being killed by a nun (who contradicts the fact that she's a nun by sacrificing the girl to Satan) and feeding her soul to a shark, I guess, and the shark kills some people, one of them gets possessed, and a terrible exorcism occurs, etc. There is one scene that sticks out among the rest, however, and that's when some woman acts as a...child? A mentally unwell person? I don't know, but she's at a playground playing with a shark doll and a barbie, and goes up a play structure and walks down the slide. Then one of the bikini girls from earlier comes over and talks to her in a strange manner (then again, the dialogue throughout is so terrible that the child actors in The Christmas Tree put the acting in this abomination to shame) that suggests...seduction, I think? Then, they're at a pool, and they start swimming in a way that's shot like a goddamned p0rno, down to the looking seductively at the camera. Then the bikini girl dives down, the mentally unstable woman looks around, and then it turns out it was all a dream of the bikini girl.Trying to explain the "plot" is amazingly hard because it, again comparing to my videos, is an "..and then," type of movie. On top of that, there is no structure, no characters (there are people, but watch the movie, and tell me the personality of bikini girl #6. That's right, there is none, so they aren't really characters, they are just people doing stuff in front of a camera for what feels like 6 hours), no sense, and no point. Even for a Z-level monster movie parody film, it is f***ing lazy. It's also uncomfortable to watch due to the amount of times that it starts to feel like a f***ing p0rno.Speaking of acting, there is none. It is so badly transparent that I've seen cringe compilations that had me groaning less than this. The line delivery is more wooden than the guy from Birdemic, and that's really something I never thought I would say. The guy from Birdemic was at least entertainingly bad to watch, but this just hurts. There is only one thing I can praise, and it's a backhanded praise if anything: the complete and total lack of a moral message from the "story" (unless it's "make s**t films with no effort," but that's inferred from the audience, not what the director intended from the story). The moral message makes films either so much better or so much worse, depending on the delivery to me, and that's the reason Garbage Pail Kids is still worse to me, because the message in that movie (that's supposed to be directed towards kids) is "Be a terrible, awful, ugly person, and you'll be better for that." Without a message, Shark Exorcist at least doesn't try to teach anything to anyone other than that anyone can make a movie, but that means some seriously bad s**t'll get made.
