Leofwine_draca Albert Pyun. The name of this director will leave a bad taste in the mouths of any self-respecting Z-grade movie fan out there. For more than a decade, Pyun has effortlessly (and I mean that in a literal sense) churned out one rubbishy movie after another, generally cheap science fiction films with only the minimal levels of editing and post-production work. So far he's only managed one halfway decent movie, CYBORG, and his latest film TICKER is yet another bomb and that's also in the literal sense of the word. Despite the man's lack of talent and budget, bad film lovers still find themselves drawn to Pyun's work like moths to a flame, only to get burned by his sheer ineptitude and to steer well clear for a long time afterwards. Like the body of Pyun's work, TICKER is a pretty awful movie but not without interest; watching it with friends or relatives is a sure fire way to spend an enjoyable evening just having a laugh at all the poor points this film has to offer.The plot is one of those run-of-a-mill edgy cop vs. terrorist thriller stories that were run into the ground back in the '90s. Maybe the scripting will save this film I thought, sadly not as it never rises above the norm. Everything about this film screams cheap television movie but it can't even achieve that; no network would finance Pyun to create his abominations let alone broadcast them. Nope, the only reason I watched this film was for the cast. Taking the lead of the maverick cop is a down-on-his-luck Tom Sizemore (usually seen in bigger budget fare like RED PLANET), who surprisingly puts in a halfway decent performance despite the lack of professionality in all other departments. Although his character is clichéd and hard to believe, Sizemore makes a good job of it and does the best he can. I wasn't disappointed.On the other hand, Dennis Hopper is very disappointing as the villain, but hilariously so. Slumming his way through a terrorist role which is a direct reprise of his villain in SPEED, Hopper doesn't even try here. To make matters worse, he attempts a ludicrous Irish accent which comes and goes throughout the movie with much hilarity. Apparently Hopper is a member of the IRA and hangs around with a couple of other shifty guys in long black trench coats like they've failed auditions for THE MATRIX. Poor old Hopper. A long way from his glory days and hard to believe that his career has reached this low an ebb.Third-billed and barely bothering to sit up from his chair (where he spends two thirds of the running time), Steven Seagal is a long way from his recent cinematic success with EXIT WOUNDS. It's like he doesn't even bother in this movie. He never gets out of his seat, instead he just sits around and talks weird dialogue in his role of a laid-back bomb expert. Fans looking for some trademark Seagal action will find it in short supply. After piling on the pounds and having grown a ridiculously large ponytail, this old and tired Seagal is far from the lithe and pounding NICO: ABOVE THE LAW he gave us fifteen odd years ago. To add insult to injury, he doesn't even get to do any martial arts until the very end of the film, where some tacked-on scenes show him fighting a bunch of guys in a dark corridor. A small, poorly-choreographed pleasure, but the lack of action before this moment led me to jump from my chair shouting in admiration for Seagal, having been starved of the bone-breaking I'm used to from the rest of his career.The rest of the cast barely registers. The less said about Jaime Pressley's performance the better, although she is an attractive actress and should have been used far more. Some rap stars turn up for little more than cameos, but why? And who put the stock footage of Ice-T into this movie and for what reason? Speaking of stock footage, Pyun is up to his old tricks here, shooting scenes with actors alone and cutting them in with other actors to make it look like they're in the thick of the action. Seagal often has a body double, especially noticeable at the ending (walking in silhouette) and during a fight scene. He even has a voice double to cut costs. Same thing for Hopper, you see the back of his head and can tell it's a guy thirty years younger with spray-painted grey hair. The funniest moment in the film comes when the good guys swarm city hall and we're treated to footage of some laughing goons at a Halloween party being evacuated. What the heck? Sheer bliss, incompetence you don't often see in modern cinema fare. Things like this make TICKER something of a guilty pleasure although far from a "good" film.

tom-passafiume-1 Absolute train wreck. You cannot take your eyes away from this mess of a movie. You watch and wonder how long this plot-less, stock footage montage of action can go on. I found myself talking to my television looking for answers as this went on and on. All that is wrong with Hollywood. The people behind this dog, especially the editor, had to be permanently scared for life. How anyone could watch the final cut of this and NOT pee in their pants from laughter (and shame). It is truly embarrassing to watch... and to think that people were paid to be a part of this... I can honestly say that words cannot describe this.... GO SEE THIS MOVIE NOW!!! If you are a movie fan, you will die laughing... This is my modern Plan 9 From Outer Space!Thank you Nu Image! If this movie can be made, shown in theaters, and end up in every movie rental place in the world, -there is hope for anyone that has a desire to make a movie (and Hollywood movie at that)!Wow! Wow! Wow! The premiere of this movie was actually in Hell. The devil gave it the finger.

Vomitron_G ...or maybe not. Because the last thing we need is another CYBER TRACKER-movie or something like it. All I'm saying is that Albert Pyun should stick to making cyborg-movies (remember NEMESIS, anyone?) instead of straightforward action flicks like TICKER. Even Pyun's BLAST, a poor DIE HARD rip-off, was better than this.I suspect the whole budget of TICKER went to the paycheck of Seagal, Sizemore and Hopper. And those three hombres are probably the only reason to watch this dull movie. I say probably, 'cause the only one playing it straight is Sizemore. Seagal tends to get zen & philosophical too often, instead of beating the crap out of the bad guys. When he eventually does kick a few punches, it's edited so badly that you don't even see his moves. And Hopper's accent switches from Irish to American and back all the time. It's like he didn't even try.There's not much wrong with the story, except that it's average. Alex Swan (Dennis Hopper) and Claire Manning (Jaime Pressly) are scientist/terrorist buddies. When Claire gets captured by the police, Alex starts randomly blowing places up throughout the city in order to get her released. It's up to detective Ray Nettles (Tom Sizemore) and bomb-squad-specialist Frank Glass (Steven Seagal) to stop him. So, it's a straightforward plot with a little twist near the end which you may or may not see coming, but either way, you won't care about it.The overall execution of TICKER is careless and miserable. I simply can not believe that when you're making a movie about terrorist-bombers, you don't have a budget big enough to afford some explosions. They rely on stock-footage for this ( from Dolph Lundgren-movies amongst others, so I've read), which totally screws up the continuity. For instance, in the openings scene police forces infiltrate a mansion occupied by terrorists. But when it blows up, it's a total different building; it looks like a farmhouse or something. Other example: when Hopper's car gets blown up, you can clearly see the scene takes place at the docks (there's water and all). But in the shot where the police arrives, they seem to arrive at a park (you can see trees and grass). How in the world did the filmmakers think they could get away with that? And what's with the extremely crappy blue/green-screen-effects when Hopper's driving the car? When he stops the car, it's like they suddenly paused the traveling background. It stops so fast, that in reality Hopper and Pressly should be glueing to the window. And that's not the only law of physics that's being broken in this movie. During the final climax, Seagal seems to be able to stretch time by talking zen. One minute easily becomes 30 minutes in order to give him and Sizemore enough time to dismantle a bomb. Bizarre, since this is not an X-MEN movie.So why am I giving this movie 3 stars? Easy: One for Sizemore, one for Seagal and one for Hopper. And that's just for them being in it, not for their performances. Otherwise it would have been: One for Sizemore, period.Anyway, see it for yourself if all this sounds unbelievable. Best thing is to skip it, though, and see the more than decent movie BLOWN AWAY (starring Jeff Bridges and Tommy Lee Jones) instead. I only have one final request for Mr. Albert Pyun: Please do make a sequel for TICKER, and bring back icy-cold cutie Jaime Pressly, but this time as an indestructible, merciless cyborg.

Victor Noordland Ticker is a strange movie. It starts out promising, with a good cast, nice story and lots of action. Especially after watching "Out for a kill" which I did 2 weeks ago, this one seems to be much better. And in fact, it is better, especially the acting. Tom Sizemore does a good job, Dennis Hopper is adequate as the bad guy and Joe Spano in a small roll is good too.So what's wrong? First of all, Steven Seagall obviously gained a lot of weight. He just sits there, at his desk or in his car, except for the last 15 minutes or so when finally he decides to kick some ass. However: it is painfully clear that for the action scenes, a stand-in is used. I replayed these scenes in slow motion to verify this, and it is very obvious. Shame on Steven for this.A lot of scenes are really dark, which makes it very hard to see what's happening. Also some of the scenes are too chaotic with good and bad guys running around looking the same. "Out for a kill" had the same problem.Right at the start of the movie, the scene where Seagal's troops jump out of the helicopter by ropes, it is clear that the rope is hanging in a studio. Besides, I have no idea why these bomb experts would land on the roof while they know there's a bomb in the basement.The blue screen car scene with Dennis Hopper and Jaime Pressly has been mentioned a few times already. It is good for a few unintended laughs. The same goes for Hoppers part-time Irish accent, the old police cars with wrong plates and the police choppers without even the word "police" on them.Later on, Jaime blows up the BMW convertible with Hopper in it. It is painfully obvious that the car that's blown up is another model, a much older 4 doors saloon instead of the 2 doors convertible. There's even another car visible blowing up right next to the BMW. I don't know where it came from. Even the surrounding buildings are different before and during the explosion. I suspect this explosion was taken from another movie.The final scenes take place in city hall, where a bal masqué is going on. The room where this takes place looks like a discotheque. Now really, what city hall would look like that? Not surprisingly, this scene too is taken from another movie.Near the end, Steven walks up the stairs towards the roof of city hall to dismantle the bomb on the roof. However, several men with machine guns are sitting there. When they start shooting, Steven decides to walk back. Walk, not run or jump, even when men firing their guns come after him, he takes his time to get some cover. My grandfather walks faster than that.Finally two bombs have to be dismantled. One is in the basement, and Sizemore has to take care of this one, following instructions by Seagall. This is the right time for Seagal to preach some Zen before telling Sizemore how to deal with the bomb. When the bomb in the basement is secured, Seagal takes care of the other one. This is really easy. He just cuts some wires, the timer stops and that's the end of the movie. No suspense, no final fight, no good feelings.My rating: 4/10. One point because this one's better than "Out for a kill", one for Tom Sizemore, one for... I don't know. And one for Steven Seagall, for old times sake.Better rent The Glimmerman or one of the other old style Seagl flicks.